sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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