why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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