Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
