I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
