I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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