It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
