i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
