Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
what day is it and did you see me today?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize