isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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