I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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