Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
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