Don't make out with my wife yet
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
