fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
