sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
