i would punch a child for taco bell
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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