I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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