I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
