I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
