I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
