I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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