I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
