Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
