We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
