My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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