MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
