the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
