I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
