I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
