he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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