my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
