I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
