Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
