Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
