you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
foreskin is a definite game changer
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
