A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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