my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize