Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
