that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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