He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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