mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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