please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
