Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
