What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
