I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Brb crying the tears of my youth
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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