you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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