I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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