Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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