Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Damn victory sex feels great
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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