dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Boobs speak an international language.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
