Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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