I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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