Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
