so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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