All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
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