The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
