What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
