physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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