Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
