Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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